FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

-No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

-When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

-You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

-Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.

-You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

-Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

-Wrinkles don't hurt.

-Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts

-Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

-Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Matthew 7:7

The world is full of opportunities behind closed doors, so start knocking.
John Maxwell

opportunity knocks but impulse just lets itself in
Roger Garrett

I tried for deep and meaningful and this is what I came up with... Sorry
So you might want to take some good from the first 2

THE HUSSY

This post is not intended to offend. You have been warned.

Roll mental camera...

I was about 9 when that hussy family member of mine got knocked up. Yes she went out and got frisky with every Tom that she could find I think. She was bound and determined.

She hung around the house the whole time she was pregnant mooching off of all of us. Expecting us to clean up after her, feed her and give her all the attention because she was the pregnant one.

After all of that care we gave her, she gave birth and then took off and we didn't see her for nearly a week. We got stuck bottle feeding and caring for her babies the whole time she was gone. (yes I said babies, plural)

When she finally came back she buckled down and took over the mom duties. Finally we could sleep. I was never so glad to see that hussy, also known as our cat.

Have you ever had those times when you are so happy to have something/someone back that you forget about all the negative stuff you were thinking while it/they were gone. I was that way about Konnect this summer. Not sure if I wanted to start it all over again etc. But now that we are back at it I have no idea why I thought that. I am having a great time.

When have you welcomed back something you were nashing?

Have you ever had a hussy cat?

THE DRIVE HOME

The road less traveled? Nope this one is about the road often traveled

Roll mental camera...

I was driving home last night as I always do. Next thing I know I am pulling into my housing addition.

My heart starting beating fast and I was a little panicked because I had no idea how I had gotten there. I must have spaced out the entire drive home. I seriously do not remember stopping for a red light, making a turn or following the speed limit.

For all I know I was abducted by aliens, probed in who knows what kinds of ways and returned to earth right outside of my addition.

Do you ever feel that way about your life. I can't remember many of the things that got me to where I am today. I am just glad they happened and I am where I am. So if aliens were involved then I guess I need to thank them.

Do you remember how you got to where you are or is it a blur?

Where are you?

Do you ever space out on the drive home and not remember it?

TIGHT SPACES

Tight spaces freak me out. I am not a fan, never have been, never will be.

Roll mental camera...

I used to spend some time out at my cousin's farm when I was a kid. No we did not go cow tipping. I am not sure that is even possible.

One time we were on a hike and found a big metal storm tube that ran underneath the road. My cousin wanted so badly to crawl through it to the other side. I could see the light from the other side so I figured it couldn't be that bad.

The tube/pipe was just big enough for me to crawl into but not big enough to turn around in. I started out fine but the farther I got into the tube the more freaked out I got. About half way through I was in full panic mode. I couldn't turn around and I didn't want to go any farther forward. CLAUSTROPHOBIA

I feel that way quite a bit about my faith. I can't and don't want to turn around and go back but going farther scares me as well. Where will it take me? What will I have to sacrifice? Will I lose all that comfort I have grown to like so much?

Are you stuck in the tube?

Does giving it all up for Him scare you?

Anyone else claustrophobic?

FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

To close out this week I wanted to give you all some way to help out your friends in need.
So to all my friends out there I pledge...

When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.

When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

When you are confused -- I will use little words.

When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'. Friendship is like wetting your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth...

WHAT IS YOUR EXCUSE

So a swimmer from South Africa made it to the olympics and swam in the open water competition. Not necessarily a huge deal until you take into consideration she only has one leg.

I have fully functional limbs a whine when I have to take the stairs. Another day learning that the only thing holding me back from anything and everything is me. I need to put down the excuses and step away.

What is your excuse you need to step away from?

REALITY

Only in women's gymnastic can they use the words "long and elegant lines" to describe a women that stands a whopping 5 foot 3. I have eyebrow hair longer than her.

Also the only place where a women of 4 foot 9 can be described as an "absolute powerhouse." Really... she could weigh more than what 50 pounds. I have belly button lint that weighs more than that.

I am kidding of course and those 2 ladies were awesome at the olympics. But what it really teaches me is that the reality is what you make it. It doesn't matter your situation as God put you there for a reason. I pray you find your reason.

THE WAIT

Wait… wait… wait… wait… WAIT FOR IT

Roll mental camera…

I was just about to turn 16 and couldn’t wait to get a car. Let me rephrase that. I couldn’t wait to get a car that would keep me up with the Jones’.

Yes most of the kids that I went to school with had their car bought for them by their parents. Yes they were really expensive and brand new. No my parents weren’t going to buy me anything.

But that didn’t matter because I was destined to get a cool kid car. So I took every penny I could come up with (about $1200) and opened the paper looking for the only car that would work. Drum roll please. Yes I was looking for a BMW. I just had to have that status symbol. Believe it or not I actually found a BMW for $1200.

It was a 1969 model 2002 in fair condition, which translated really meant a primer painted rusty metal box with wheels, an engine (kinda) and a transmission that would sometimes stay attached to the car. But it did have a spot on the hood that I could stick a new BMW emblem after I bought it.

No matter how hard people tried to talk me out of it I just couldn’t wait to get it.

Until very recently I was stuck in the “can’t wait” line. God was always a fall back only when I couldn’t do it myself on my time line. I have started to realize the power of waiting.

Do you need to wait?

Do you have an impulse buy you regret and should have waited on?

THE EVACUATOR

For those of you with children this story will probably make you laugh and wish you had had me around when your kids were babies.

Roll mental camera…

My wife and I are the youngest in both of our families. So we were around a lot of babies before ours were born. I quickly got a name for myself around the families for my uncanny ability to induce the #2 in my nephews or niece.

Yep that is right I was known as Uncle Poop. No they didn’t really call me that but they should have. It wouldn’t matter if that baby had just gone poop 10 minutes ago or hadn’t gone in 2 days. If they put that baby in my hand it was pretty much a guarantee that they were going to go again.

That wouldn’t have been bad except that most of the time my powers were so great that I would induce a movement that I like to call “THE EVACUATOR”. I am sure most of you know what I am talking about... the poop that would explode out of every opening in the diaper... up the back and down the legs, leaving very little in the actual diaper. Boy those were fun times, fun times.

But the funny thing is I really hope that I can be Uncle Poop in my adult relationships. Of course I mean that in a figurative sense. I hope I can be the type of person that someone feels comfortable enough to unload all of their heartache on. I have people like that in my life and want to be there for others. So if you have some “stuff” you need to unload...

Do you have that go to person that you unload on?

Are you person people come to?

Do you have a knack of some sort with babies? (Hopefully much more enjoyable than mine)

I promise I will get away from the poop posts eventually

FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

Sorry I was an olympic addict Wednesday night and didn't post for Thursday. But not much happened. Yesterday was so much better with Phelps winning another gold in world record time and the women going 1 2 in the all around in gymnastics.

I couldn't end the week without a little humor. So here are some funny T-shirt ideas I have seen

THE POOP

Looks like the USA Women's gymnastics team saw the poop instead of the popsicle last night.

China opened the door with the fall on the beam and our girls followed suit. Then they did it again on the floor exercise.

You could see it in their eyes and body language that they were not happy with a silver.

Funny how things can be so different with a higher medal. It is all about expectations.

Is it easier to set your goals low and then be crazy happy when you reach beyond them?

or

Do you set you goals for the top and be disappointed when you fall even a bit short?

Happier with less or frustrated with more? man hard choice

POPSICLES

When you are a kid and you drop your popsicle on the carpet and it gets covered in dirt and hair you still see a popsicle.

When you grow up and you drop your popsicle in the poop all you see is poop.

The USA men's gymnastics team won the bronze medal today and they didn't see a missed gold or silver they saw a bronze medal. Good for them

Do you see the popsicle despite the poop?

OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOT

I so love the Olympics. Last night reinforced why.

Roll mental camera...

The French talked some serious smack about crushing the American team in the freestyle relay. So I was waiting to see how the trash talking effected the race.

I really hope everyone got to see the race. But if not let me explain, no there is too much, let me sum up. (had to toss in some Princess Bride)

The French guy who shot off at the mouth was the anchor leg and was well out in front of our American dude Jason Lezak. At the turn it was all but over. But in the last 25 meters Jason kicks it into another gear and catches the big mouthed Frenchy. He beat him to the wall by a fingernail while swimming the fastest leg in history.

Now I call that forcible foot in mouth. But to really put it into perspective on how awesome the race was ALL OF THE TOP FIVE FINISHING TEAMS SWAM UNDER THE PREVIOUS WORLD RECORD. Now that is impressive.

Only one thing to learn about this story. Don't talk smack to Americans because it does nothing but get us motivated to whip your butt. Well OK I guess we could also learn to hold our tongue because it will come back to bite you. But I still really enjoyed watching the USA whip some tail.

Do you get pumped up for the olympics?

Are you like me and could care less what sport is on as long as an American is playing?

FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

It is that time again people. But today's installment of Vavrinaisms is laced with a bit of "git yur learn on" as we Okies like to say. Well some Okies might say that.

So laugh and learn and have a good weekend

FAITH IS THE ABILITY NOT TO PANIC

BLESSED BE THE FLEXIBLE, FOR THEY SHALT NOT BE BENT OUT OF SHAPE

A GRUDGE IS A HEAVY THING TO CARRY

DEAR GOD: I HAVE A PROBLEM... IT'S ME

GOD WANTS SPIRITUAL FRUIT, NOT RELIGIOUS NUTS

HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS IS STILL DEAD

THERE IS NO KEY TOP HAPPINESS. THE DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN SO COME ON IN

REAP WHAT YOU SEW

People call it reaping what you sew or karma, but whatever it is called I believe in it.

Roll mental camera…

My post Dress Up explained how my sister used to dress me up when I was a wee tyke. On one of these days she had me in one of mom’s long nightgowns when I finally had had enough. I bolted like a greyhound from the gates. But she was like a hound after a rabbit and closed the gap fast. We rounded a corner and she stepped on the gown. I tripped and fell with a

CRACK

My nose met her doll house at mach 4. My nose lost the battle. Two black eyes and a deviated septum later I was all better.

A while after that I decided to get my revenge on my sister. I was pushing her down the street in a wagon and forced her into the curb and as she tipped over and fell out she broke her arm on the curb. Revenge is sweet.

I am totally kidding about the revenge part, her hitting the curb was a total accident. I never meant to hurt her like she never meant to hurt me. Some could still say she had it coming LOL.

Even though the story wasn’t really a Galatians 6:7 “reap what you sew,” the picture holds true. Whatever you put out there is like a big ole boomerang. I am trying to make sure what I am flinging out there won’t hurt when it comes back and hits me in the back of the head.

Are your boomerangs of the Nerf variety or something out of “The Road Warrior”? (you might need to rent the movie if you don’t remember that wicked boomerang)

Did you ever unleash the fury on a sibling (by accident or not)?

T V

Felt terrible Monday night so I didn't post for Tuesday. About the only time I actually watch TV is when I am not feeling well. There are 2 shows that I really like to watch the first being anything mixed martial arts or MMA.

The second is Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. I can't get enough of watching him eat all of that crazy stuff.

I just need to know if I am really missing out on a show that I haven't watched. So please fill me in.

What is your favorite TV show and why?

ALL IN A NAME

So how many times have you heard your kid say “that isn’t the kind I like.” The word “kind” could be changed to style, name brand, color, or flavor.

Roll mental camera…

I wrote about my wreck of a bike last week with its spray painted frame and mixed matched wheels. But I definitely don’t remember caring that it was like that. I thought it was cool.

I wore hand me down clothes that were too big or faded. Jeans with patches all over the knees that had been hemmed a dozen times and let out. But still I don’t remember caring.

The first time I remember caring about anything that I had or wore was the first time my parents bought me a pair of corduroy pants that had a big patch on the back pocket that said HUSKY.

I know it was just a name brand but I was a pretty chubby kid and that patch just gave all the other kids ammunitions. Not what an overgrown boy needs.

I am sure I wasn’t the only one that grew up not caring about name brands, etc. Man times sure have changed and it is getting harder and harder to keep my kids from caring about that crud. But honestly I don’t think I could dress them in clothes that were jacked up as bad as some of the ones I wore.

Did you care about that stuff as a kid?

Do you now?

How would your kids answer the above questions?

FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

I know you all have been waiting on pins and needles for a new round of Vavrinaisms. So here you go in all of their glory. Enjoy and have a great weekend

DRIVE CAREFULLY. IT’S NOT ONLY CARS THAT CAN BE RECALLED BY THEIR MAKER

SOME MISTAKES ARE TOO MUCH FUN TO ONLY MAKE ONCE

NEVER PUT BOTH FEET IN YOUR MOUTH AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE THEN YOU WON’T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON

IF YOU CAN’T BE KIND, AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO BE VAGUE

ACCEPT THAT SOME DAYS YOU’RE THE STATUE, AND SOME DAYS YOU’RE THE PIGEON

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORDS SOFT AND SWEET, JUST IN CASE YOU HAVE TO EAT THEM

ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD IF YOU DIE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT

and one to grow on

WE COULD LEARN A LOT FROM CRAYONS---SOME ARE SHARP---SOME ARE PRETTY----SOME ARE DULL. SOME HAVE WEIRD NAMES AND ALL ARE DIFFERENT COLORS---BUT THEY ALL HAVE TO LIVE IN THE SAME BOX