FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

Made it back safe from Kansas City. Tried to bring back some ribs but I made the mistake of stuffing them in my carry on. When it went through the x-ray the security guys thought I was a serial killer taking home a souvenir and had me arrested. Took an hour to convince them to just "open the bag" so I missed my flight.

OK so that didn't happen but it would have made the trip worth talking about. Have a good weekend and enjoy this video. Your kids will like it too. It is one of my boys favorite

BIG OL' JET

I have to get on a not so big ol’ jet today to fly to Kansas City on business. That inspired this post about jacked up song lyrics. Sorry no post tomorrow as I will be computer free

Roll mental camera…

You remember those cheesy commercials about the best album of hits ever created don’t you? Not like they have stopped making them. So here is my commercial.

Roger’s Music Barn has put together the finest collection of jacked up lyric songs ever created. Just listen to a few of the selections...

Steve Miller Band with the classic
Big ol’ jet had a light on (big ol’ jet airliner)

Pearl Jam and their grungy
Can’t find the butter man (can’t find a better man)

Jimmy Hendrix and his drug induced
Excuse me while I kiss this guy (excuse me while I kiss the sky)

Don Henley and his laid back
Down at the sausage mill (down at the sunset grill)

The Beach Boys and their spirited
Good, good, good, good buy raisins (good, good, good, good vibrations)

Rupert Holmes and his masterpiece
If you like bean enchiladas (if you like pina coladas)

And who can forget Mister Mister and this timeless piece
Carry a laser down the road that I must travel (kyrie eleison down the road that I must travel)

Act now and get Roger’s biggest blunder and Shelly’s favorite from Jars of Clay
We were becoming wonderful mud (we were becoming one with the mud)

I am not a bible scholar by any stretch of the imagination, but too often the sentence “The bible says…” ends with a jacked up lyric of sorts. I didn’t grow up reading the bible, so now that I am I am finding all kinds of places where people paraphrase to the point of confusion. I am now seeing why it is so important to read it yourself and not rely on someone else’s version. At least then I can screw up the meaning on my own.

Do you know people who are well intentioned but mess up what the bible says?

Do you find yourself researching what someone says to verify?

Do you have song lyrics that you have always messed up?

I'M OUTTA HERE

My son Connor has his last day as a third grader today. He is about to jump out of his skin with excitement.

Roll mental camera…

Not that I would want to be young again, but I can still remember the giddiness that came with the last day of school. Of course you always had the one bookworm in your class that was bummed, but everyone else was ecstatic.

That last day when in just a few short hours all of the rules and regulations are off your shoulders. You are free as a bird. No homework, no getting up early, heck you might even avoid a bath once in a while.

Have you ever noticed that people seem to take the summer off when it comes to their faith as well? Not as many people at church. All those morals they stacked up during the year are smashed in one good weekend at the lake. Man all that time to serve others sure does melt away when the sun is burning hot and the days are longer.

I think it should be the exact opposite. Since the schedules aren’t quite as hectic, why not spend more time where God wants you. I know it will take away from your sun bathing, but God won’t mind if you’re pale.

Do you have a time of year when schedules collide and God loses out?

When did you make the commitment to stay with it and not bale out during summer?

Who has a boat I can borrow while you’re at church? (hey we go on Saturday LOL)

FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

Today I thought we would dive into learning, so I pulled out my copy of the Fictionary. We will dig deep and find the true meaning of words. Get your learn on!

Avoidable (v), what a bullfighter tries to do

Dilate (v), reaching a ripe old age

Relief (v), what trees do in the spring

Baloney (n), where your shin is located

Subdued (n), like a guy who, you know, works on one of those, like, submarines

Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist

Heroes (v), how a man moves a boat across the water

Derange (n), where de buffalo roam

Spice (n), the plural of "spouse"

And my all time favorite

Parasite (n), what tourists see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

UMBRELLA OF DEATH

Wanted to thank Heidi and her post “Until Today” for inspiring this Umbrella of Death post.

Roll mental camera…

From my post “The Strength” and “Jump to Glory”, you should now know that my bike riding choices were never stellar. On this day when I was 8 it was no different.

The wind was just a bit gusty at probably 30-40 mph. Pretty normal Oklahoma summer day. I was riding my bike and struggling to pedal.

LIGHT BULB goes off in head.

I ran in the house to get the umbrella to use as a sail. My mother in her infinite wisdom explained to me how using a black umbrella was not a good idea. I stared at her and muttered “ahuh” a few dozen times while she spoke and the bolted to the door anyway. I wasn’t going to let a little thing like being able to see where I was going get in my way.

Top of the block, draw a mental line on the street to follow, pop the umbrella and ZOOM.
I was off like a rocket, barely holding on as the G forces tried to drag me off my bike.

Those G forces came to a screeching halt as my bike impaled the back bumper of a parked car. As I lay upside down on the truck, my mother came up and gave me the “I wish you would have just listened and I could have saved you from that wreck.”

Heidi spoke yesterday of God piloting or steering us in the right direction, just like my mom tried to do. Like I did then, I still find myself ignoring my Pilot. I can hear and feel the direction I just choose to ignore it. That pesky free will. I am glad I have it, but sometimes I think I would do a lot better without it. But I guess the choice is the point, right?

Are you ignoring your Pilot?

Who did most of your steering as a kid?

LONG DAY

To follow up on yesterday's post, the decision was swift and brutal, but needed to be done. I did feel at peace today after the decision was made. Thanks for all of you that threw a prayer my way.

But it was a long day and I am just not feeling a lighthearted story jumping out.

I will be back tomorrow with a fun one I promise

THE STRENGTH

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 29:11

Roll mental camera…

I was 14 and riding my bike in one of those big concrete storm channels near my apartment like I had many times before. (smart I know) I approached the big curve and pedaled harder so I would ride high up the curve and then shoot back into the channel. When I flattened back out in the channel I had to dunk under a low bridge. (yes I know it is “duck” instead “dunk” but I have always thought “dunk” made more sense so fire me.)

This time as I flattened back out in the channel I slipped and was thrown head first into that bridge. This was pre helmet safety mind you. I woke up just a few seconds later with blood already started pouring down my face.

I had nearly scalped myself (Learned later I had severed a vein and an artery)

I was alone so I had to save myself. I made it to the apartment manager’s office about 100 yards from where I wrecked. The ladies in the office freaked right out. They knew me, so after screaming and running around like chicken with their heads cut off they calmed down enough to call my mom. (yes chickens really do that for you non country folk)

My mom was there at light speed and was able to drive me to the emergency room and hold a blood soaked towel to my head at the same time. She was usually not good with blood, but was tough as nails that day. Well at least until she was told I was going to be OK, and then she passed smooth out.

God gave me the strength that day to get up and find help. He gave my mom the strength to overcome her fear of blood. He also gave her peace by her finding out I was going to be fine and her going nighty night.

I write this now because later today I will be in need of some strength and peace. I am going to have to make some decisions about my staff at work that I am not feeling good about. So if you think about it, throw a prayer my way for the strength and peace I need.

Time for me to turn this one over to God, how about you?

What do you need to turn over to Him to get the strength you need?

Anyone else have any good bike riding war stories, or am I the only klutz?

COMMENTS WELCOME

Blog comments are always fun to get but there are many times when I am left speechless after a day of comments.

Roll mental camera...

Scott Williams at Big is the New Small posted on Friday about your favorite drink. He asked for people to comment on if they preferred a drink from Sonic over Starbuck's. As of the time of this post there were 42 comments so far.

This kind of commenting seems to be more of the norm than the exception. Many of the blogs I read seem to get a disproportionate amount of comments when the topics are on the lighter side or if the are political and hack people off.

But it seems that when someone writes about something deep, thought provoking, hard to swallow or faith based the comments lag well behind.

What do you think that says about us as blog readers/commenters?

Is it just easier to respond that "I like double frappy mocha oreo blasts" than it is to really talk about real life and how we deal with it?

I didn't think opening up to total strangers would be so difficult for some people.

FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

This weeks Varinaisms appeal to the prankster in all of us. Try out some of these funny yet dumb pranks that will either create a laugh riot in your house or office or will get you slapped.

Either way enjoy

• Continually look over you shoulder and act like you are being followed, spin around and yell "AHA" at the supposed "follower"

• Pretend you are riding a horse all day

• Ask your family members to taste things before you eat them "just in case"

• Put your hands up in mock surrender when anyone talks to you and then put them down when they finish speaking, act like you didn't do it

• Replace photo around your house with magazine cut outs and see how long it takes for them to notice

• Wake up early and hide everyone's left shoes

• Swat at imaginary flies and be over dramatic about it

• Talk like an old time gangster and put the word "see" after every sentence. Make sure to talk out of the side of your mouth. For example, "You need to go clean you room, see!!"

• Make sound effects for everything you do that day

• respond "Touché" to everything someone says to you

IMAGES OF LIFE

About a month ago I posted with some of my wife's photographs that I love. Since then she has put together a website for her photography business.

I thought I would share it with all of you so you could see more of her beautiful work.

Click on the image below and it will take you to it. She has a ton of great pics in each category of the galleries. It is best to view it in 1280x1024 resolution.

I hope you enjoy them. If you do please feel free to email a note to Shelly at shelly@imagesoflife.tv





I will be back tomorrow with another round of Vavrinaisms

FLOOD WATERS

Flood waters, floods, high waters, clam diggers, long shorts or short pants. Whatever you want to call them is fine by me. They have also inspired another post on clothing.

Roll mental camera…

My mom like many other in the early seventies always bought my pants a few sizes too big. Had to have that room to grow now didn’t we. She would always tuck under all the extra length in the leg and hem them up.

As many boys do, I grew like a weed. As I grew mom would let out my pants and re-hem them. This would only happen after my pants had reached critical flood stage.

This caused another atrocity in fashion. Each hem would cause a permanent faded crease in the material. So by the time I finally out grew the pants they would have 5 or 6 rings around the bottom of the legs. Oh and I almost forgot the multiple grass stained patches on the knees.

I wish you could have seen those pants, they were a thing of beauty.

As I grow in life and faith, I see my self image as those pant rings. They are almost like the rings of a tree. They show all of the growth and drought, damage and healing, an account of where you have been. So I say wear those beautiful pants proudly.

Do you have a lot of rings on your pants?

What do your rings say about you?

HOLY JEANS

So I thought I would stay with the clothing theme for at least another day. I know that reliving those days of horrific fashion are hard to deal with but stay with me.

Roll mental camera…

When you were a kid and you blew out the knee in a pair of jeans did you…
Toss them and grab a new pair out of the closet?

No I didn’t think so. I am not sure I had more that one pair at a time that fit. They all had the knees stained green if I did. If I had the audacity to play in them so hard I ripped the knee I knew what was coming.

A BIG PATCH

There was no going out to the store to buy a new pair. Mom would just grab a pair that no longer fit and cut out a patch. Most of the time the patch was nowhere near the same color so it stuck out like a sore thumb.

I also remember wearing shoes until my toes stuck out the end. The sole had torn loose by then so some form of tape was already in use. No prob, just slap on another layer of tape.

Today I hardly ever see a patch on a pair of jeans or a kid with a pair of shoes that are just a mess. My wife and I are so guilty of making sure our kids are never without that I doubt they can even grasp the concept of need. I think I am a better person for remembering what it was like not to having everything I needed or wanted.

How can we expect them to need God when we are already fulfilling all of their needs?

We can show them how to give, but you can’t really show them how to need, can you?

Funny how a pair of patched jeans can mess you up 30 years later.

POLYESTER LEISURE SUIT

Yes that is me sporting a wicked awesome brown polyester leisure suit. I know, I know you are super jealous and wish you had one just like it.

Roll mental camera…

Depending upon which decade you grew up in you can probably relate to the picture. Since I grew up in the 70’s polyester was the fashion of the day. For those of you who do not remember, polyester was not like your fake fabrics of today. It was itchy, hot and stuck to you when you started sweating. Now if you were a girl you might have been blessed with a tube top or something else just as snazzy. You can fill in the blank.

If you were a boy in the 80’s your mom’s probably dressed you in a Miami Vice jacket with the rolled up sleeves. If you were a girl I bet you wore some big huge leg warmers even in the summer. Flashbacks of Olivia Newton John dancing around with all those out of shape guys singing, “let’s get physical.” I would like to see someone brave enough to wear that into the gym today.

My point is, just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. It drives me crazy when people legitimize something by saying “God created it so it is OK”. He created the poppy, so does that mean I should start a nice heroin addiction? To often I find myself legitimizing when I know I should just put down the polyester leisure suit and walk away.

What do you find yourself legitimizing that you know deep down you shouldn’t?

What was your favorite outfit from your past that you now can’t believe you wore?

FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

We have a new round of Vavrinaisms to round out our fun filled Friday. I know you all must have missed them so I had to bribe my father-in-law to work on some new ones. I love it when you can use time with the grandkids as payment. Have a great weekend

INTERESTING BUSINESS SIGNS

Plumbing company - Don't sleep with a drip, call a plumber

taxidermist - We really know our stuff

Wrecker service - We don't charge an arm and a leg, we want tows

Funeral Home - Drive carefully, we'll wait


VAVRINAISMS

Success occurs in private and failure in full view



To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles



If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before



Love is blind but she sure has good aim with that shoe

NEW LIFE

Travis and Christy are part of our life group so we pretty much think of them as family. Yesterday morning they added a new member. His name is Colt

12 HOURS OLD AND AS CUTE AS ALL GET OUT

PROUD POPPA

LOVING MOMMA
(Hope she doesn't kill me for posting this one of her)


MAKING SURE EVERYONE KNEW HE WAS HERE


BABY FEET... NOTHING BETTER

Seeing a brand new baby just really inspires me... All the possibilities

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Have you ever had one of those days when you should have just rolled over and went back to sleep? Yep, I had one of those days yesterday. But I am sure the story will bring some laughter into your day so read on.

Roll mental camera…

Yesterday started off with storms at 3AM and again at 5AM so sleep was limited. Got to work and realized I was missing 3 out of 5 lug nuts on my front wheel. Quick prayer to thank God I made it alive after choking back a tirade. Into the office to put out fire after fire. Conference call that solidified some bad news I was hoping wouldn’t happen. All this before lunch.

I figured lunch would be the turning point in my day. I took clients to one of my favorite spot, P F Chang’s. The lunch was great and went very well but when I stood up to leave I felt a draft. No they didn’t turn up the air conditioner.

MY SLACKS HAD SPLIT FROM STEM TO STERN

YES those are my pants and NO I was not in them in the picture.

My slacks, that I admit are at least 10 years old, finally gave it up and had split up the back. So from my waistband to the nether regions I was free as a bird. Thank goodness I listened to my mother and had on clean underwear (boxers not briefs). Nothing like showing a client your butt to keep the business rolling in.

But there was a silver lining. I had a great dinner with my wife and some friends. Got home and watched some funny videos with Cade and listen to Connor read his book. It is amazing what how being around the people you love can shake the blues.

Who are your blues chasers?

MOM'S LAW

My mother loved it when I wandered off. Usually it was at some massively huge public place. Nothing like getting mom's blood pressure up, it is like exercise only easier.

Roll mental camera...

My mom had a long standing rule that I was never to leave her side while at massively huge public places. yes that does include the mall where this story happens.

I always knew I could get mom's blood boiling by sneaking away at one of the clothing stores and hiding in the big round clothing racks. There was just something about the middle of those things. You felt like you had transported yourself into a whole other universe.

I would hide in one on every trip and when mom found me she would snatch me up by my ear and scream at me through clenched teeth so nobody else could hear. The last time I ever did that was the time she did not snatch me up by my ear. I just sat and sat and sat. What started out as funny became my worst nightmare when I climbed out of the rack and mom was nowhere to be found. She had decided to teach me a lesson and was hiding from me.

I knew the rules and I continued to break them and so mom taught me a lesson. That is still true today. I know my rules and when I screw up I usually pay the price in one way or the other. Staying close to God sure seems to keep me out of trouble.

Did your mom turn the tables on you and give you a scare?

Do you need someone to walk away from you in order to teach you a lesson?

Have any good hiding or getting lost stories?

LINE IN THE SAND

You gotta love it when the law you lay down for the kids actually works. Most of the time that line in the sand gets blurred by the wind created when my kids whip past it.

Roll mental camera…

Cade our 4 year old had a bit of an issue last week in the ark (his class at church). The teacher commented on how he sure was full of energy when we picked him up. Think Speedy Gonzalez on a double shot of espresso.

So before we went this weekend we informed him that he needs to calm down and refrain from bouncing off the walls. We gave him the list of privileges he would lose if he acted up.

This week's report was much better. The teacher said he rattled off the list of what he was and wasn’t supposed to do and the privileges he would lose if he acted up, then sat down and began coloring (which was on the OK to do list). Wow he actually listened. I didn’t think they grew ear drums until at least 6 or 7 years old.

As the “A TEAM” used to say, “I love it when a plan comes together.” Discipline is never fun but necessary. It is so much easier if the kids just listen and obey and stay well away from the line in the sand. I think listen occasionally just to keep us on our toes.

Do you have a favorite discipline story?

Do you kids listen and obey or hit the line in that sand at full tilt?

I have a good one from when I was young tomorrow

FRIDAY UNSCRIPTED

If you haven't seen this video it is so worth six minutes of your time. I guarantee it will make you laugh and probably dance. But if you try any of these moves and hurt yourself no blaming me. Have a great weekend

LINE JUMPERS

So you pay $67.50 and wait in line for two hours and then you get to go fast and scream for 45 seconds. Amusements parks have it all figured out don’t they. If you need an adrenaline rush that bad you can just pay me $20 and I will hide under your bed with a chain saw. I promise no waiting in line and the screaming will last more than 45 seconds.

Roll mental camera…

My wife and I were at Universal Studios waiting for a roller coaster. We started so far back in line that the sign that told you how long the wait was from this point was a magic eight ball. About half of the serpentine line was covered and the other half was not. After an hour were still in the part that was not covered.

If you have spent any time in Orlando, you know that it can rain at any point, and it did. The skies opened up and rained like I have never seen before. Everyone that was not under cover crammed their way into the covered part, us included. Above all the commotion we heard this…

“LINE JUMPERS, LINE JUMPERS”

A woman who used to be in front of us in line was not happy. She made sure she informed everyone in the park that people cut in line. Even when it stopped raining and almost everyone went back to their original place in line, she still was screaming about the line jumpers.

I actually enjoy letting people cut in front of me, especially if I am in my car. But I see people every day that have to save that 4 seconds of time they might waste by letting someone in. Take a chance and let them cut next time, maybe they will waive and thank you and you will feel good about yourself. Or maybe they won’t waive and solidify why you never let them cut in the first place (ha ha).

Do you scream “line jumper” and refuse to let someone in front of you?

Or do you enjoy the feeling of letting someone “line jump”?

Did you ever cut in line for the coasters?